Ugh. Best man speeches. They can suck the life out of a reception hall, bring tears of joy, or simply drive the crowd toward the open bar.
Don't make the mistake I did of of not prepping a great speech. The crowd will appreciate your wit and brevity, and the ladies will certainly know who the 'best' man is! Below are some funny intros and jokes I collected on Reddit you can use when you give your best man speech at your next obligation.
They joke that a woman finds a man she loves for exactly who he is and then spends her life trying to change him. So let's all raise our glasses and take a last look at the Groom. We're gonna miss you, buddy!
Fornication... [silence]... cough... Forni-... cough... FOR-AN-OCCASION, such as this, I like to start with a joke.
It's been said that the best man speech should only be as long as it takes for the groom to orgasm during sex. (Look at watch, scowl to yourself) So, have a great night everybody!
When it came time for the Best Man speech, he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and began reading about what a wonderful husband the Groom was going to be, how he was loyal, handsome, kind, how he was loved by everyone, etc... Then, the Best Man squinted at the paper, stumbled over the words, then turned to the Groom, handed him the paper and announced, "I can't read your handwriting!"
The Groom and I have been friends for a long time, but he had some trouble finding a best man. He first asked his richest friend to be his best man, but he said no. Then he asked his funniest friend to be his best man, but he said no. He then asked his best-looking friend to be the best man but even he said no. Then he asked me and after turning him down the first three times I couldn't refuse again.
Family Relations
At my twin brother's wedding I opened with: "When I first met the Groom I didn't really like him. He was always crowding my space and stealing my nutrients, but after we busted out of that uteran prison we were perpetual partners in crime...
When I was younger, my brother (the Groom) used to push me down the stairs, ridicule me in front of our family and friends, and beat me up on a daily basis. Finally, after 20 years, he finally realized who the best man is.
I'm pleased to announce that [Bride] and [Groom] are expecting... ...you all to have a good time tonight!
Very Punny
It's been an emotional day, even the cake is in tiers.
...May all your ups and down be in the bedroom!
Somewhat Insulting
Best Man asks for anyone with keys to the Groom's apartment to step forward and return them. Of course, there's a giant line of women (Grandmoms make it hilarious). Then the call is made if there's any for the Bride's. It's just her Dad.
There are 3 rings in marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering. (friendly version: ..."catering - lets eat!")
Hello I'm [your name] and I'm an alcoholic... Oh wait! Wrong speech!
The Bride deserves a wonderful successful loving husband. Thank goodness the Groom married her before she found one.
To the Bride, I hope this is the best moment of your life, because it's going to be followed by the most awkward three seconds of your life when you get back to the hotel room.
And so today the single men of the world lost another catch. On the ladies side, not much has changed...
During your best man speech, ask the Groom to put his hand over the Bride's; then joke that it's the last time the Groom will have the "upper hand."
Women are like... Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
After you get married you go through three phases when it comes to sex: All-over-the-house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. Obviously all-over-the-house sex comes first after the wedding, you can't keep your hands off each other, you do it in the kitchen, the bathroom, wherever. Bedroom sex is just the ordinary sex that happens when you've settled down a bit. Hallway sex... That comes years into the marriage, and it happens when one of you is leaving the house, the other one's just coming home, and you shout "Screw you" in the hallway.
Wedding Jokes, Pranks and Ideas
When the priest asked "Do you take this woman to be your wife", The Groom and Best Man should walk off the stage, huddle for a minute, then head back up for the Groom to say "I Do."
Catholic Service? Groomsmen can write "Help Me!" on the bottom of the groom's shoes so when he kneels the message is obvious to all those in attendance.
When the guests started clinking their glasses after the toasts to have the bride and groom kiss, the couple told the crowd that they decided they wouldn't be kissing on command, but guests had to instead stand up in front of everyone and sing a song that had the word kiss in the lyrics.